Attachment Wounds Leave Deep Scars.
We are hard-wired for connection. Yet, so many of us have core wounds of not-belonging and beliefs about our worthiness that were formed in environments devastated by generational trauma, fear, exile, and alienation. Healing is not easy, but it is possible.
Human beings are designed for togetherness. We are born to be completely dependent on our caregivers, and unable to survive without the protection, nourishment, and love of another human.
When children experience neglect, abandonment, or a primary caregiver who is chronically unavailable or dysregulated, this form of exile creates a core wound to our sense of belonging in the world. The lack of secure attachment in a child’s early years has been linked to a large number of mental illnesses, unhealthy coping strategies, and addictive behaviors.
When we experience abandonment or exile in these formative years, we make decisions about how the world works, based on the information we have available at the time. We may decide no one can be trusted, everyone leaves us if we need too much, all men are violent, or it’s not safe to be close because inevitably the people you are close to will hurt you. Or maybe we learn that we have to work really hard to earn love, that survival means staying on guard permanently, or that in order to keep our family safe we cannot ask for help, and that resting or relying on others means putting ourselves in danger.
Any psychology textbook that covers human development will summarize the work of Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby in the 1960s and 70s that shaped modern psychotherapy. These researchers theorized that based on our early experiences with our caregivers, we develop “schemas” or beliefs about ourselves as worthy or unworthy of care and attention, and others as reliable or unreliable sources of support.
Secure attachment occurs when we experience reliable attention and support, and our needs are met.
Insecure attachment occurs when there is a disruption in the process of bonding between the child and their primary caregiver. This is a type of trauma, and may take the form of abuse or neglect, or it may be more subtle, such as lack of affection or response from a caregiver.
Trans-generational trauma occurs when wounds are passed down through our genes and behaviors, from generation to generation, because there has not been resolution or healing. Epigenetic research on trans-generational transmission of traumatized behaviors in mammals even shows that exposure to stress hormones in-utero permanently impacts the behavior of offspring, even when those offspring are never exposed to the traumatized parent.
Healing attachment wounds begins with acknowledging our grief, and repairing our relationship to ourselves.
Researchers recognize four attachment styles which inform our behavior on a cognitive level that operates outside of conscious awareness.
Data suggests that approximately 50% of adults are securely attached, 20% are anxious (ambivalent), 25% are avoidant (dismissive), and the remaining 5% are fearful (disorganized) in their attachment style.
These are not meant to be defined as fixed states, and you may not fall cleanly into one style or another, but all of us exist somewhere on the continuum.
Secure: Your primary caregiver was likely a stable and predictable source of love and acceptance. They responded to your changing needs and were able to communicate safety non-verbally, and manage and express their emotions. In adult life, people with a secure attachment style:
Are comfortable with intimacy
Are resilient, can bounce back quickly from adversity
Are able to set appropriate boundaries
Feel safe, stable, and satisfied in close relationships
Can balance dependence and independence
Anxious (Ambivalent): Your primary caregiver was likely inconsistent. At times they may have been unavailable and distracted, or they may have been engaged and responsive. You may have been uncertain whether your needs would be met. In adult life, people with an anxious attachment style:
Crave closeness but struggle to trust or rely on your partner
Can be overly dependent, may feel threatened by too much space
Have a chronic fear of rejection
May need constant reassurance from their partner, may achieve this through manipulation, being needy
Define their self-worth by how they are being treated in relationship.
Avoidant (Dismissive): Your parent was likely unavailable or rejected you during your infancy. You learned to self-soothe because your needs were not adequately met. A deep fear of abandonment leads you to avoid relationships and reject intimacy later in life, as a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt. In adult life, people with and avoidant attachment style:
May end relationships to regain a sense of freedom
Are highly self-sufficient, and may withdraw when someone tries to get close
Feel they do not need relationships and that they do better on their own
Seek out independent partners who keep their distance emotionally
Fearful (Disorganized): Your primary caregiver may have been an unpredictable source of fear and comfort, and may have been dealing with their own unresolved trauma. Or, your parent may have ignored or overlooked your needs, creating confusion and disorientation in how you feel about relationships. In adult life, people with a disorganized attachment style:
May be controlling or untrusting of their partner
May abuse alcohol or drugs, and be prone to violence
Desire intimacy and find it confusing and scary.
Swing between feelings of love and hate
Could feel unworthy of love and be terrified of getting hurt
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Healthy and unhealthy relationships can impact our attachment styles over time, and because of the brain’s inherent neuroplasticity, it is possible to change how you relate to belonging in the world.
To interrupt the cycle of abuse and the perpetuation of harm, we must first acknowledge our own wounding, and remember that the brain can be changed by adding new information and experience. The seeds you water grow.
Also, it’s notable that positive traits, such as resilience that arises as a result of hardship, are also passed down and imprinted on our DNA. These traits can be cultivated through simple attentional training and mindfulness practices designed to reduce stress and anxiety.
About Me
Cynthia Garner is a certified mindfulness instructor, somatic psychotherapist, public speaker, single mother, former classroom teacher, and author.
Her passion is helping trauma survivors find refuge in the present moment, reclaim their power, and come home to their authentic selves. As a coach, she works with educational leadership and survivors of domestic violence, offering practical coping skills, secular mindfulness, and in-the-moment interventions for managing reactivity and breaking the patterns of generational, systemic, and relational trauma.
Cynthia studied counseling at Regis University, earned a doctorate in Body-Mind Health from the Parkmore Institute, and is trained in group psycho-education through the UCSD Medical School, the Centre for Mindfulness Studies, Inward Bound, Mindful Schools, and the Hakomi Institute.
Work with me: Start your Healing Journey
My mindfulness practice and somatic therapy training brought me home to myself, after years of alienation, betrayal, and emotional violence. Understanding how trauma is stored in the body and learning tools to regulate my nervous system offered me the opportunity to reclaim my mental real estate, stabilize my attention with anchors in the present moment, and tend to my wounded heart.
Gradually, one baby step at a time, I began to widen my window of tolerance, develop the capacity to ride the waves of emotion, and to learn how to disengage from the conflict in a non-violent way.
I am so grateful for the lessons that my experience taught me, and that now I have the opportunity to raise my daughter in a regulated and compassionate environment, and that I get to share these practices and teachings with other survivors of relational trauma who don’t know where to start.
There are a few different ways you can work with me to learn mindfulness, heal your relational wounds, and come home to yourself:
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These intimate groups are open for enrollment 3 times per year in February, May, and September. Groups meet online for 12 weeks on Saturday mornings and include trauma-treatment, grief work, mindfulness-based interventions, somatic practices, and reflective writing prompts. Join the Waitlist.
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Sometimes we need individual therapeutic support to identify our core beliefs and discover the deeply engrained patterns that keep us from moving forward. When we work together one-on-one, you’ll be guided in gentle somatic awareness practices and mindfulness meditations to help you make space for feeling what you feel, and retraining your nervous system to rest in the present moment. Schedule an introductory session.
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In this 12-week, live online workshop, you’ll be guided in somatic mindfulness practices, reflection, and writing prompts to support you in welcoming yourself, reconnecting with your inner child, and soothing your wounded parts. Our focus will be on identifying our core experiences, how they shaped our sense of belonging in the world, and through writing we will offer ourselves the care we did not get to have when we were young. The program will include live practice sessions twice per month, with writing prompts and workbook material released to you on the alternating weeks. This series will be facilitated by Dr. Cynthia Garner, a certified mindfulness instructor, somatic psychotherapist, and author.
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This group for leaders of trauma-impacted school systems will focus on prioritizing wellbeing, managing reactivity, and nonviolent communication. We will meet via Zoom every other week on Friday mornings, 10-11:30 am MST, for the duration of the spring semester. Participation will include access to the self-paced Mindfulness for School Leadership Course. Our practices will include trauma-informed interventions, attentional training, somatic awareness practices, and reflective inquiry. Spaces are limited. Enrollment period closes January 23, 2024.